Become New

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new.

 

-Jason Gray

The rebirth of the light at this time of year, symbolized by the birth of Jesus and the return of the sun at the Winter Solstice, reminds us that we too can be born anew. The darkest days will soon be behind us. As light returns, warmth and joy are waiting for us. Just as winter slowly fades, you can choose to fade parts of yourself which you are ready to let go. You can decide how you will come back to life after the darkness and be made anew for 2013.

Each new year can be a turning point in our lives. Every day can also be a turning point. The cells in our bodies are constantly regenerating. You are literally a different person than you were five years ago. Reinvention is a beautiful process, one in which we can constantly engage. Each of us will experience being submerged in darkness at some point, a cold, bitter place that feels permanent. Nature's seasons remind us that our time in the light is coming, in fact it's just around the corner. With every death there is birth, with every sorrow there is possibility for bliss.

To get to our better season, we have to hang tight in the discomfort of our winter. When we try to escape the pain of whichever dark situation we are in, we lose the intended lesson. This is a surefire way to invite the same darkness back for seconds, or thirds. What you resist persists. What is showing up in your life that continues to hold you down? Gather the wisdom, imbibe it, become it, live by it daily. Have gratitude for what your challenge has taught you.

At age 16, when I accepted my lupus as an opportunity to grow in health rather than an enemy to destroy, I moved toward remission. I surrendered to what I could not change. I became grateful for the gift of self-realization at such a young age. Illness can be a great teacher, if you let it.

Some darkness is self-inflicted. Mistakes are a part of life, so are making amends, forgiving yourself and moving on. The size of the transgression makes no difference- you are pure divinity at your core and can always return to that.

You are valuable, you are loved and whole. You are new. You have the opportunity to become all of the hopes you hold in your heart. What truth are you living from as we enter the light? What are you bringing alive in 2013? Here's to a new beginning.

The Best Gifts

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

 

When true simplicity is gained,

To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come 'round right."

 

Simple Gifts by Joseph Brackett

http://www.marthastewart.com/274852/christmas-lights/@center/307034/christmas-workshop#/168867

 
The Holidays are upon us. This favorite time of year can easily tip into overwhelming. So much to plan, do and spend. One of my favorite songs, especially this time of year, is Simple Gifts. I need a reminder to slow down and enjoy the change of pace winter can bring. I am carrying over the gratitude focus from Thanksgiving into Christmas. Join me in opening the gifts already bestowed upon us during this beautiful season.

Simple Gifts... notice the original lyrics focus on "the gift" not "a gift", as it's been rendered in recent times. Shakers believed their faith was the supreme gift (credit), to sing about the gift was a reference to faith, a big difference one word can make. While I don't purport to be a Shaker, I believe each one of us are infused with an overflowing abundance of gifts, none of which need be purchased. With faith we see that we have all that we need. 

I love the idea of being simple and free, together. Perhaps one necessarily leads to the other. When we simplify, we promote freedom. When we are free, we are more likely to live simply. What does simplicity mean to you? I have four tenants to simple living:

1. Working smarter not harder. It's too easy to run circles throughout my day moving from one random activity to another, I'd much rather take the time to plan routines that both nurture my family and me and tackle my to-do list. I call these small yet significant decisions upgrading. One example, I delegate chores to the kids and pay them- they learn the value of work (for money I would have shelled out anyway, shhh) and I don't have to spend as much time cleaning. Win-win!
2. Consuming and shopping less. Staying out of stores leaves me more time, energy and you guessed it...money. I ask myself, do I need this or do I just want it? Will I still like this a year from now, or will it be clutter? I plan Christmas shopping carefully and within a budget, ideally  months in advance. I hand-craft gifts from the heart.
3. Consciously letting go of that which is holding me down- outgrown activities, toxic relationships, bad habits and clutter. I listen to my inner voice. If I have a bad vibe about something I let it go immediately. Physical clutter leads to mental clutter, it is the ultimate depression producer, toss toss.
4. Being picky about activities to which I commit myself. I've gotten better at saying no with love. I remember where my heart is, what brings me joy: family, fitness, spirituality, friends, solitude. I keep the important areas of my life in focus. I have given up trying to be everything to everyone.

Freedom necessarily supports simplicity. I am free to be myself without trying to conform to any complex standard. I am free to reject aspects of our predominant culture that don't fit with my values. My spirituality contributes immeasurably to my freedom. By trusting that God has a plan for me, I am free of fear and worry. I know I am exactly where I need to be. I am free because I feel unconditionally loved, I'm never alone. And the ultimate freedom- limits are removed from what I can accomplish because I believe that with faith, everything is possible.   

Simple Gifts was created as a dance accompaniment, to 'turn' is dance call. I like the idea that turning, bowing and bending connote change. We turn and come around right, we learn, grow and come to the conclusion after trial and error the importance of simplicity and freedom. We are flexible and open to the wisdom life has to offer. Change is embraced as we search for the lesson it offers.

How would it feel to live your life from the perspective that you are gifted? You are not without, lacking, insufficient or needing. You contain gifts within you by simple reason that you are alive and reading this now. Is the hustle-bustle obscuring your joy? Remember that you are enough, you do enough, and you have... enough.

Tell me, how are you going to carry the message of this sweet song into your life during this holiday season?

You Are Prepared

"You are not defined by your past,

you are prepared by your past."

 

-Joel Osteen

 

 

 

You cannot know what you are being prepared for, plain and simple, but I know it's great. What you are experiencing today, or have been through yesterday, may be the exact circumstance needed to propel you to unimaginable heights that would have been impossible otherwise. Coping with adversity gives us the opportunity to:

• develop skills that bring us closer to our one true purpose,
• meet amazing people who come into our lives just when we need them most and change us forever,
• learn what we are made of through perseverance and rely on new-found strength,
• cultivate faith and watch fear take a flying leap.

You don't have to live your life from the viewpoint of a victim any longer, you are merely being prepared.

 

While we can't see the process as it's unfolding- in other words, in the midst of difficulty we can't always identify the good that will result- we can trust that we are exactly where we are supposed to be at every moment. You have what you need to move forward, so keep going sisters and brothers.

 

I recently shared with a friend the frequency of my family moves as a child, on average every two to three years. At every new school, I was often singled out, made fun of, picked on and criticized for being different. At each juncture, I left behind close friends and familiar  surroundings accompanied by many tearful good-byes. While I wouldn't wish for anyone to have the same experience, I learned a great deal from having to adapt many times over. As an adult I intuitively know how to create a quick community of loyal friends out of necessity, I am friendly and empathetic to a fault because I've been on the receiving end of left-out, I have a grand appreciation and love of nature because of all the beautiful places I've lived (so hard to pick a favorite, Oregon, Idaho, Wyoming...), I am self-confident because I've learned that I decide my self worth, not the bully down the street. The experience of being uprooted over and over provided me with depth of character, perhaps my biggest asset. I've benefited in more ways than I can even begin to list.

 

Our past does not ever limit us in what we can achieve. We cannot use any particular adversity as an excuse for not pursuing what we are being called to do. Quite the opposite, I believe in cultivating gratitude for our challenges, for we wouldn't be who we are today without them.

 

What difficulties have you faced and how have you grown because of them? What are you doing now that would have been impossible without a particular challenge? Do you have the courage to trust that you are being prepared each and every day?

 

If you lived your life from this simple premise- I am being prepared and not defined... what then becomes possible for you, my friend? 

 

I know the answer... everything. 

No Fear

"Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy to finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one area where I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter, and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."

 

-J. K. Rowling (Harvard Commencement Speech)

 

Fear can do a number on us. It can keep us from so much that life has to offer. By imagining and fearing the worst, we keep ourselves trapped in a small life. Everyone has some level of fear, the question is whether we let it stop us. I love the adage 'feel the fear and do it anyway', you are bigger than your fears.

Rowling, before authoring of the infamous Harry Potters series, hit rock bottom after divorce, becoming a single mother with no job and a baby to care for, she lived in extreme poverty. When we are stripped to our essence, we quickly learn what we are made of. When the worst has happened to us, we can choose to no longer be afraid of it. Rowling, at her bottom, chose to dig deep into her determination to be none other than herself, a writer.

There is something about the freedom that comes from facing our fears. I believe we don't have to wait for failure to happen to learn from it. We can live from the premise that we are okay no matter what. This is a nothing-to-lose mentality that can propel us higher, beyond what we think is possible. When we're willing to face the deep depths, we're able to face the greatest heights- they're more closely linked than you can imagine, fear of one leads to fear of the other.

I had a lot of fear during my divorce, I was pregnant with our fourth child and unsure if my soon to be ex-husband would be around for financial support. I lacked a career, family nearby, or any idea how I would get through emotionally. I remember being asked about the worst that could happen, my biggest fear at that point was was homelessness. I then understood my fear was a distant possibility, just by naming it I was able to move forward with my life. Even if my fear was realized, I would be alive, I would have my four beautiful children, and I would find a way out.

I encourage you to name your fears both large and small, identifying the darkness sheds light. Write them down, then give yourself a reality check, even if they did happen, what would you do? When you've written them down, burn the paper, shred it, destroy it in a satisfactory way. Say out loud, "I am letting go of my fear of ...."

When I lose my fear, I am free- to be myself, to live with passion, to pursue what I want in this lifetime, to be the type of person I am proud to be. I can live from the light within me- unique, unobstructed and brilliant as ever. You can too, in fact you were meant to. Face what's holding you back, take away its power, believe that amazing and good things will happen, they are unfolding in their own time, at a divinely inspired pace. Fear is but an emotion, it's time we put it in its place.

No Regrets

"In the absence of clearly defined goals, we become

strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until

ultimately we become enslaved by it."

 

 - Robert Heinlein

How easy it is to get wrapped up in the day-to-day. As a mother of more than a few kids, I know this first-hand. Housecleaning, appointments, to-do lists, shopping, lessons, sports, meal planning, emails and endless errands fill my time. Before I realize it, the day has escaped me and one bleeds into the next. By looking at how I spend my time, you would discern that I prefer to do laundry and dishes over following my dreams. These things vie for my attention as I take the weighty steps toward my desk to sit down to write every day. Do the daily minutiae take priority over my life goals? No, but I have to convince myself of this often.
  
What will you be doing five years from now? Try this writing exercise to describe your ideal future. Use this as a platform for creating a vision for your life. Defining where I am going helps me to stick to the road I am on, instead of taking unknown detours. I have to know what I want before I set out to get it or I risk major distraction.

How I choose to spend my time now will make a difference later. Delayed gratification is real, if I take small steps today, tomorrow, and the next day, it will add up to big change no matter the goal. While I cannot escape all of my duties, I cannot let them overwhelm me to the point there is nothing left. I have a choice to use what free time I have wisely, in a way I won't regret five, ten, twenty years from now.

We are greeted every day with an opportunity to reinvent ourselves. We can take on new ventures and leave behind what no longer works. We can prioritize and schedule time in our busy calendars to follow our hearts. We have as many hours in the day as the greatest achievers throughout history. The question is, do you have the same focus and determination?  Do you know where you are going? You may not be able to map every step of the way, every twist and turn the road delivers, but you can have a clearly defined goal. I bet there is something that you can do today to begin to make your dreams a reality, the laundry and dishes can wait.

Dare to be Different

"To be nobody-but-myself—in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else– means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”

– E.E. Cummings

 

There's something very attractive about the idea of just being myself, it sounds simple yet profound. I have to ask next, how or when am I not myself? We all feel the burden to fit in: to think, feel and act the way we're "supposed to". The pressure might come from family, friends, society, anyone really. I believe we are under extreme pressure to conform, to behave in accordance with who others think we are or should be. We are taught from a young age to care about everyone else's opinions about us and respond in kind, to not rock the boat or cause discomfort to others. In response, we develop a false self, an acceptable face we put on for the world and forget what we've buried beneath the facade.

The expectations placed upon us are related to the roles we play, labels such as: mother, wife, divorcee, athlete, daughter, working mom, vegan, stay at home mom, sister, sick person, fit person, Christian... have all applied to me at some point. I find it amusing to surprise people with facts about me, like when I was a single mother with four young children, working full-time, and a triathlete. The labels didn't mix in their minds and they would more often respond with "whoa", perhaps they simply wondered how I fit it all in. I am a liberal Christian, and this confuses some people as well, just because I  strive to live by Jesus' teachings does not mean I am right wing conservative. We like to pigeonhole others, and I'm probably just as guilty in many respects. In our minds we think we have someone figured out, maybe we're trying to make everyone the same when the truth is we are all magically and wonderfully unique.

It's so easy to conform! My own life decisions sometimes teeter on the edge of being what others want or expect versus being true to myself. We all want to be accepted and loved, at a very deep level. We've all felt admonished for being who we are, as if we're not good enough, impractical, or too different. A young child dresses up in a superhero costume and his mom makes him change before going out, to avoid her own embarrassment. A college student majors in business because his parents have convinced him his art will never earn him a living in the "real world". A teenage girl purposefully keeps from raising her hand in class to avoid appearing the "know-it-all" in front of her peers. We're constantly being told how to be ourselves, no wonder it feels like a struggle to avoid becoming everybody else.

We were each created to be different because the world needs what is uniquely ours to contribute. When you think of people who have changed the world, they have done so by following their own intuition and creative voice, against everything and everyone that told them they should be different. Steve Jobs dropped out of college, studied calligraphy and collected cans and bottles to obtain money for food. He followed his inner voice and is known as the "Father of the Digital Revolution". His advice to us, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." (Stanford commencement speech)

Never stop being yourself. I wish you the courage to fight the good fight, to follow your heart no matter where it takes you, to trust that still, small voice within you. Do what you are being called to do, even if you can only fit in five minutes a day toward the pursuit of your dreams. You were put here for a reason, and the world is waiting to experience your own unique gifts, the real you, in all of your superhero splendor.

Create

Experiencing sadness and anger can make you feel more creative, and by being creative, you can get beyond your pain or negativity. People's reactions to my work aren't necessarily important- it's fine if they have different opinions. If their response is good, then I feel good, but what I create has more to do with myself. When I express myself, I feel free.

 

 - Yoko Ono on her new book, "An Invisible Flower"

 'Unleash your creative spirit' Laura Hollick dancing. Photo by Kevin Thom

 

 

Creativity is essential to my serenity. My chosen outlet is and has been writing. I began as soon as I could put pen to paper, recording everyday events, desires and dreams. I kept a diary throughout my childhood, a small book with a vinyl floral padded cover, little brass lock and key. Unfortunately my two younger brothers figured out how to use a paperclip to undermine my privacy and at age ten told the neighbor boy I was madly in love with him. Luckily I didn't let my extreme chagrin keep me from my expressing myself through the written word.

 

Nowadays it's more mature to say I "journal", though often it feels more like a confession to my Dearest Diary, a bit more unsophisticated. I begin the creative process of putting words down in the way I always have, by writing from what I know. This blog is a sort of journal, I write about what I wish I could tell my former self in the midst of sorrow and crisis. I write about what I have learned.
 

I value creativity, I believe we all have an innate need to create something. I reason that we hold the divine within us and divinity's most important task is creating. By tapping into our subconscious, we can pull forth something that has not yet existed in time and space. I can write new sentences that give fresh insight into my life experience. I can inspire others by infusing bits of myself into the fabric of my words. I process grief, sadness and joy as well, by writing.

 

Your art could take on a myriad of different forms, it's not the procedure that matters, expressing yourself matters. Why should we keep all of the beautiful things we've learned inside of us? I know that I am living my life to grow, gain wisdom, and to be the hands and feet of divinity (aka God) on this planet. If I can share what I have gathered thus far, maybe I could help you in your journey and in the process give life to what is true within me.

Loss

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." 

 

-Kahlil Gibran

 

I am reminded today how fragile life is. I found out this morning that a friend's husband passed away due to an accident. My heart goes out to my dear friend today for the shock and disbelief she must feel. I have experienced loss of family and when we hear of someone close to us in pain, it can bring all of our own grief flooding back. I wonder if we're ever really done grieving. It's not only the sadness of the death, it is grief over the loss of companionship with the person. We grieve what is no longer ours, we feel the hole left by the loved one that we could never begin to prepare ourselves to face, though it is inevitable.

We are left with memories, well meaning friends tell us to cling to the memories, they will provide peace. In a sense they do, but not in the midst of grief, peace comes later. In the mean-time we go through the motions of living, surprised that the world continues just as it did before. We learn how to continue to love the person that we can no longer see, but hopefully still feel the presence of. Most importantly, we begin to process the loss at a deep level and express our emotions, even though it hurts.

I cannot take my friend's pain away, my heart aches for her because I know something of what she's feeling. I look at my own husband and wonder if he knows how much I love him, I hug my children and question if I was gone, would they have enough of my love to carry them through? Our lives are sweet, precious gifts, to be shared with one another.

A priest told a story once that gives me solace. He was caring for his dying father. One day, as the end drew near, his father beckoned him closer, pointed to the other side of the room and whispered, "Do you seem them? All of my friends!". I have faith that we are never far from those we love, even after they pass on. Reminders like this help me to see the simple truth of what really matters, the people in my life and the love I give and receive. 

California

"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along."

 

- Rae Smith

 

The Open Road by Trey Ratcliff

During the times in which I fell apart, I created a vision of what my life would look like once I pulled myself back together. When I was sick as a teenager, my vision was simply a healthy me and a brighter and better future. I didn't know what choices awaited as I grew into a woman. I was full of expectation, hope, and even impatience. I wanted to get out and experience my life restored.

Fast forward to another broken time, my divorce. More jaded, I was becoming afraid of life, and all the choices confronting me. After I adjusted to the loss and settled into my new reality as a single mother, I was faced with the truth of my contribution to the deterioration of my marriage. I was able to admit that there were ways in which I sabotaged its success. After all, we teach people how to treat us. I was brutally honest about the things I wanted to change about me, I knew this was an opportunity for me to grow, if I took it. A vision of my dream life slowly started to emerge.

Rather than feeling stuck throughout the long and painful experience of divorce, I chose to set my sights on the life I was slowly creating. Dreams don't come to pass when we necessarily want them to, they are reached in small increments, mile by mile. My dream life was my "California". I vividly created with images and words a picture of my future that included the fulfillment of my deepest dreams.

I was on my way, hands on the wheel, foot on the pedal, kids in the back seat, driving to California. Knowing I was on a journey to a grand destination, my days didn't seem so dreary. The long hours studying and staying up with an infant didn't seem all for naught. The battle over minute details during my divorce seemed unimportant. I had purpose, determination and willpower. Delayed gratification took on a new meaning to me, I had no clue when I would arrive in California, I only knew I would get there if I kept driving.

I am now living in my proverbial California imagined during my divorce, and enjoying each blessing that enhances my life, and there are many. I've learned that as I keep adding to my dream list, I will always be on the journey, the destination keeps growing more and more beautiful. What are you creating for your future? Where do you want to be 5 years from now? What are you doing now to get you there? Do you have a vision? If not, create one- write down every detail, attach pictures to a poster board, bulletin board or journal.

We are constantly falling apart in little or big ways, giving us the chance to start anew with every sunrise. I want to help you see the magnificent possibilities within the falling apart, then it won't feel so painful. Re-visit your vision often, are you getting closer? You will if you imagine... and continue driving.

Healthy is Beautiful

Smile because you are beautiful.

 

 

There was a time in my life when I felt my beauty, internal and external, had been taken away from me. My illness, lupus, created a rift between who I thought I was (healthy, vibrant, free) versus the reality of my situation (I was sick, tired and scared). I mourned my former self, I yearned for her to return so I could feel whole and pretty again. At age fourteen, I was broken by my diagnosis, I knew life would never be the same. I gained weight from high dose prednisone and lost my hair from chemotherapy, I was devastated. I turned inward during my high school years, feeling robbed, hoping one day I would have my self back.

 

I eventually learned to accept lupus as a part of me, I had to make peace with the disease that I wanted to fight against with everything I had. I knew I was only fighting against myself, after all it was my own immune system creating the havoc, I was only creating more stress (and illness) as I resisted. Only by learning to live with my new identity was I was ready to move beyond lupus patient to lupus survivor.

 

As the years passed, I was less and less concerned about my physical appearance, which at the time was beyond my control. I became more concerned with my overall health, I became a vegetarian and started practicing martial arts, yoga and meditation. Eventually I did get better, my hair grew back into a pixie style by my high school graduation, I lost weight as my prednisone decreased until I was in complete remission. My physical looks returned to what I had known pre-illness, while I felt more like myself on the outside, I was forever changed because of my experience.

 

Today, when women complain about their looks to me or compare themselves to someone they think is more attractive, I have a difficult time responding. I've been enjoying remission for close to twenty years and no one could guess that I have a chronic illness. I am healthy by all accounts, and I take my health seriously. I'm of the "prevention is hot" camp and do all that I can to take care of myself.  

 

Women who think they should look one way or another forget their innate beauty and how blessed they are to have their health. Foster gorgeousness from the inside out by practicing self love, we love ourselves when we eat healthfully, exercise and decrease stress. Our outsides are a reflection of our internal health- make health your goal, instead of conforming to society's narrow definition of what is attractive. Remember that your health is a gift, have gratitude for your amazing body. You are alive, you are healthy, you are beautiful. 

 

 

My inspiration for this post: Kris Carr , beautiful cancer survivor, watch her documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer and read her Crazy Sexy Diet book (not about dieting to lose weight, but to achieve greater health).

For Lynda

"The things that happen to us do not determine who we are;

they reveal who we are."

 -Amy Bloom

 

 

Inner strength- do you have it or do you know someone that does, have you had to use yours much? We’re all a lot stronger than we think. Just like the iconic story of the mother that physically lifted a car to rescue her child from danger, we have superpower strength. This is why I’m uncomfortable when people tell me I’m strong. Well, yes I know that, but so are you, you just may not have had the opportunity to use it to the same extent.

We all have faced some sort of challenge in our past, maybe you’re in the midst of one now. Maybe you don’t feel very strong. While I think it’s important to not let our struggles define us (we are more than our struggles!), it’s also important to share how we got through because there is someone else that needs to hear it. This is why I blog.

Today I am saddened by news of a relative being diagnosed with cancer; I want to send her a dose of inner strength as she reels from the news. I know the act of surviving breeds strength, always. Sometimes we just have to take a deep breath and brace ourselves for what's ahead. I want her, and you, to know that you have the strength you need, within you, for anything you may face. Look to others to remind you of your strength, rely on them: those that have been there (authors, bloggers), friends, family, and especially God. Know that the pain is temporary, you can do this.

Maybe you need a reminder today of just how strong you are. You may not be facing a large struggle, but I bet there are plenty of small ones that pop up day to day. I believe we should stop measuring diffiulties, we are all in the same boat and what's small for one person is large for another, it's a mere matter of perspective.

Large, small, cancer, or a baby that refuses to sleep at night... you're not alone. You're about to reveal something wonderful you maybe never knew you contained- beautiful, graceful strength.

Love You First

"...all I plead with you is this: make love of yourself perfect."

 

-Sri Nisargadatla

 

There was a time in my life when hurling through the cosmos by a thread hanging from the edge of my pants was the norm. I didn't know up from down, left from right, and I was catapulting toward destruction. I was going through a divorce at the time, pregnant with my fourth child and trying to get back into the workforce while keeping some measure of sanity. I was alone, afraid, unsure of every decision, and expecting the worst. The most valuable piece of advice I received, in the middle of all of this chaos, was to set myself up for success.

As you can guess, I had set myself up for the polar opposite of happiness and fulfillment. I had no career, no emotional support, and no plan. When I did start moving in the direction of self-sufficiency, I felt like I lacked the tools to get where I wanted to go. I needed a lot during this time in my life, and it wasn't about to be handed to me on a pretty, shiny platter. I had to find the confidence and courage to ask for help so I could move through this challenging period toward a brighter future, and find some measure of peace along the way.

The barrier I stumbled smack dab, face pressed into the window of, was my lack of self-love. I had abandoned myself for so many years by thinking I could do it all. I was a stay at home mom to my children and had recently moved to a new area of the country where I had no family nearby. I had started to reach out to find new friends when my world turned upside down. I was used to being all things to all people, giving too much of myself in order to feel accepted and loved. Now it was my turn to accept the love others had to give, and this couldn't happen until I felt love for myself first.

I began by formalizing my commitment with a ring, I married myself! I promised to be there for me through thick or thin, rich or poor, in sickness and health. The mantra of the journey I was undertaking became my new favorite words: "radical self care". When I put myself higher on my priority list, everything else began to fall into place: I was able to set up a babysitting exchange with a good friend, I was offered a vacant second home to stay at when my ex-husband had visitation, I found affordable professionals to assist me in the divorce process, I arranged birth partners for the big day, fledgling friends came to my aid after my baby's birth and beyond. I learned that I didn't have to run myself ragged, I could work smarter, not harder. I could provide the love that I needed. I humbled myself enough to ask for help, and to accept the kind assistance that was offered.

As you can imagine, divorce with four children, work and school were not easy to balance. I not only survived those years, I slowly learned to thrive on my own. Today, I continue to keep self-love in the forefront. I ask myself often: "What do I need in this moment?" "How can this situation be changed to create less stress for me?" "Is there a boundary I need to enforce?" "What can I do to treat myself well?" "What can I take off my plate?". I know that I could not be a loving mother or wife (I'm now blissfully remarried), without the love of myself as foundation.  My self-love has grown to the point that I wouldn't recognize the person I was before. However, life gets busy and sometimes I need to be reminded to slow down and take care of myself along the way. Maybe, lovely reader, this is more for me than for you. Either way: Xoxoxo.

I Dare You

 

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself."

 

-Sore Kierkegaard

 

I am not in a regular habit of reading my horoscope, yesterday I happened to glance at it in the Sunday paper. The part that caught my eye: "First, learn the rules that apply, and then go for it with full force." While I don't hang my life on the advice of my horoscope, I do believe wisdom comes to us through all variety of means. If you read or hear something and say "aha!" then it's good stuff, don't ignore it.

Often we can be held back from achieving our dreams because we think we don't have the knowledge to complete the task. We feel stuck and immobilized by uncertainty. Dreams are by nature BIG, the steps to get there can seem daunting. I believe we are only capable of taking one step at a time and the nature of the next step will be revealed when we are ready to act on it.  An important step on my journey is to learn the rules that apply. This involves learning from those that have gone before me, published authors. I am gathering bits and pieces from others' experiences that will prove invaluable to forming my next step, which is right on the heels of this one. I know my trajectory may not be a straight and perfect line, but I am making progress.

What are the rules that apply to your dreams? What can you learn from someone that has done something similar? What is keeping you from your next step?

Think of a runner warming up for a long run, the first steps help gather momentum, they may seem slow at first, but they pick up and eventually feel more effortless. A body in motion stays in motion. We are all poised on greatness, all we have to do is gather some momentum to go at it full force. Everything you need to get started on your dream is waiting at your fingertips, you know what you need to do. Getting unstuck is not a mystery any longer when we're ready to dare to move, keep moving, and keep moving.

Practice

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake.

-Yael Naim from her song "New Soul"

You've heard the adage "practice makes perfect". I think it should be changed to practice reminds us of our imperfection, hallelujah! In striving for perfection, we can easily keep ourselves from practicing our divine talent, we can feel constricted into inaction. When we're afraid that what we write, produce, choreograph, invent, paint, etc. will not live up to certain expectations, we've squashed our creative spirit before we've even begun. We spend more time editing and perfecting what we just started rather than submitting to the creative flow calling us forward. When we have a dreamy image of our work being immediately admired, applauded and fully understood (standing ovation included), we've missed the point. We are paralyzed by confusion, not knowing how we'll ever pull together our book, watercolor, photo montage, or prototype, thereby interfering with the flow of creation. We try to plot out our project, step by step. The big picture should elude you, the blank spots leave room for beauty to enter. Somehow we are shown the next step, if it's meant to happen.

 

To me, creativity can seem daunting. I have a negative ninny in my head shooting down every idea I have for my writing. Ninny likes to remind me that the only credentials I have are life itself, about the statistics of a writer's getting published, that I'm not always one to finish projects. I've recently told her to shove off, and I'm sitting down and writing anyway. I'm ready to make mistakes, I'm ready to get into the practice. It comes down to the fact that I know I'm a writer, and I cannot wear the label unless I ....(drum roll please)... write.

 

I'm owning my perfectionism problem, which when it comes down to it is just fear in disguise. Fear of criticism, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of success. I'm getting in the habit of staring it down daily. I realize that there will be shitty first drafts (thanks Ann Lamott for explaining this), plenty of distractions- many of which I admittedly create, and some pain as I commit myself to a sit-my-butt-down-and-write schedule.

 

I'm being gentle with myself knowing that I'm practicing being imperfect, gloriously imperfect. This is a new for me. I may be pretty bad at my attempts to create a plot, write an interesting magazine article or explain my life experiences in a way that may inspire others. It doesn't make it any less worthwhile. This is the process of creativity, it's the only way anything ever gets done, bit by bit, with practice, and many mistakes along the way. Perhaps we should seek out more chances to make mistakes. It's in the mistakes that we truly learn, and by learning we get better. Not perfect, but better.





You Have a Lot

Sometimes I feel like gratitude is overdone.We are told over and over, to the point of admonishment, to be grateful. I like the idea of "attitude of gratitude", but what does it really mean? For me, being thankful means realizing what I have without having to experience it's loss. One way to truly find out what you have to be grateful for is to lose it, the cliche "you never know what you have until it's gone". I was lucky to have learned gratitude at an early age. I lost my health, my looks, and my hair to Lupus when I was a teenager. I was put on high dose prednisone and underwent chemotherapy to try to stop the disease's progression. When my girlfriends were giddy over prom, I was in the hospital wondering if I'd make it to graduation. I never knew how much my health meant to me until it was threatened in a big way; I never felt as much joy as when I regained it and was told I had gone into remission years later. I eventually got my self back, hair and all, and a new found sense of gratitude for life and everything it brings.

Gratitude helps us not take the inevitable downs of life so seriously. Most of it is just small beans, right? So, your car breaks down, your furnace needs replacing, or your child is flunking math. Do what you can to fix the problem and move on, grateful that you have a car, a furnace, and a beautiful child... grateful that your problems pale in comparison to some.

Having gratitude for life has given me the opportunity to find happiness even in difficult times. During my divorce I started a gratitude journal, listing five things every day I was thankful for, to keep my focus on the positive. Some days I was most thankful for a warm bed to fall into. I kept my health throughout this stressful time, which I attribute to my inner peace by way of gratitude. I knew I would make it through, and focused on what needed to be done that day to bring me closer to the life I imagined.

These days not much rattles me, when my life starts to feel upside down I stop and remember how blessed I truly am. I take care of the people I love by being the best me possible, knowing that my time with them is limited. Maybe it was gratitude that started me on a path to personal growth. Gratitude helps me make the best of my life, let it make the best of yours.

Suitcases

Emotional baggage, let's start with a basic fact: everyone has it. So, if you have a little (or a lot) stuffed away, you're not alone. What is baggage, where does it come from, where do we store it, and how do we unpack? I'm not an expert, but I have experience with my own baggage. My own stuff comes from unresolved feelings (hurt, anger, resentment, guilt), that were not expressed at their inception, so they hang around and wreak havoc from time to time. Many of us are good at burying the baggage deep inside our suitcase, so we sometimes forget it's there until it comes exploding out in a messy pile. The original junk is unrecognizable, so it can take some time and energy, and more emotions, to begin to sort through and unpack. The "suitcase" is our bodies, we store the baggage in our tight shoulders, jaw, chest, stomach, most likely you know this already. What damage does it cause? Just imagine yourself carrying a heavy physical load, it can slow you down, keep you from feeling light and free. A suitcase of junk cautions you from further risk adding to it, thus keeping you from new people, new experiences, new challenges, new heights. The suitcase keeps us safely tied to the ground, stagnantly still, it keeps us from growing. I believe that if not addressed, baggage can also cause disease.

So, why don't we just "let go of the baggage", you ask? If it were that easy my dear, we'd all be free. It takes deliberate unpacking, piece by meticulous piece, with help. I've learned that I can intellectually know something (my issue is......, the solution is to.......) but until I have support, understanding, and the opportunity to learn from others' similar struggles, I will not grow. A flower needs the soil, sun, water, nutrients... who are we to think we can be independent with our own growth? Not possible. I've also learned that love from friends and family (not just my spouse) are essential.

So, let me be a loving friend helping you to unpack. I know I need to dig in my suitcase when I have an emotional reaction that taps into the old stuff I've tried to hide away. The reaction is larger than the situation would warrant. I call someone, talk it through and start to identify those deeper feelings that went unexpressed, talking and writing help me to detail the origin of the baggage. If there is unresolved business with someone, take some time to consider a response to the situation: a letter, a conversation (as difficult as it may be), or an apology may be in order, action may be required. I accept and express the feelings that come up during this process, as messy as they feel, finally- release! This may take going over the same load more than once, usually the sock has a cousin stuffed in there. Come back to the suitcase often, dust is growth's worst enemy. Unpacking also takes a lot of self-love. Give yourself credit for the work you are undertaking and practice good self care.

To keep myself from packing more into the suitcase now, I am direct with people. If I have been hurt by something someone did or didn't do, I address it as soon as possible, with love. If I have wronged another, I make amends as soon as I recognize it. When we stuff, we suffer. This also helps to develop emotional intimacy, no more guessing what the other person is feeling, let's show it!

Trust me, your baggage will not suddenly disappear one magical day. By not peeking under the lid from time to time, we keep ourselves from the best life has to offer, and we keep ourselves from our true purpose. So, go ahead, lighten up! You've got nothing to lose, but the junk!

Life is Short, Make a List

"Listen, are you breathing just a little,

     and calling it a life?...

For how long will you continue to listen 

     to those dark shouters,

     caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!"

-Mary Oliver

 

I am inspired by a story featured in the Chicago Tribune recently, "The Unfolding Legacy of Andrew Kuebrich". The article tells the story of Andrew, a 24 year old killed while cycling in Taiwan. He was living out his "bucket list", which his parents found in a journal among his possessions after his passing. While I am completely saddened by the tragedy of this story and my heart reaches out to Andrew's family, I have a sense of awe and admiration for Andrew. He wrote in his journal, "This is not a wish-I-would-have-done-it list. This is a I-did-it-and-it-was-amazing list. I feel like most people wander aimlessly through life like a zombie and never break through and experience it." (Chicago Tribune) As time passed, Andrew's parents began posting items from his To Do list on Facebook, friends and family members began posting back photographs of themselves living out the goals he had recorded, while holding a photo of Andrew.

This story inspired me to create my own list, I'm up to eleven things I plan to do in this lifetime, and counting. Andrew has given me the example to take action to complete the items my list, and not let my dreams stay dreams. Andrew showed that one person can make a difference in this world by embodying a wonderful combination of being of service to others and living out loud. I choose to engage with life today, to wake up and live out my passions with focus and determination, to come up with tangible ways I can make a difference to others. I make a conscious decision to leave fear and excuses behind. I choose to take the limits off my dreams and take steps to checking off the next item on my To Do list.

I never knew Andrew, nor will I have a chance to. I may never meet his parents or brothers. I do know that they can check off #76 from his list, "Make a difference in one stranger's life". By writing down what we plan to do during our lifetime and then setting about to do it, we ignite the amazing light within us, live a life of great passion, and in turn inspire others to do the same. Andrew has done this for me, and for that I thank him (and his parents for having the courage to share his story).

Overcome

"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming it."

- Hellen Keller

This year's summer Olympics were particularly inspiring to me and I'm not ready to let them go. I heard story after story of personal triumph over adversity and witnessed amazing courage and strength in competition. Maybe it was a deliberate focus of the media this time around, or maybe we as a society are at a point where we care to know what a person has overcome to get to such a pinnacle in their lives. To remember that each Olympian is human, like you or me, and has had to cope with sometimes extreme difficulty to achieve their dreams reminds me of our innate resilience. 

Though there were broadcast biographies that exemplified the amazing strength of the human spirit, I know that each person that competed at the games has their own personal story of overcoming. Stories like: Oscar Pistorius (pictured) nicknamed "Blade Runner", who claims he never thought of himself as having a disability after having both legs amputated at age 11 months, he just thought he had different shoes; Bryshon Nellum, the sprinter from USC who was shot in both legs and had to undergo surgeries and rehabilitation to be able to walk again, let alone run; Kellie Wells, a hurdler who overcame abuse as a teenager and loss of her mother and is just recently speaking about what she endured; to Lolo Jones, sprinter, who was raised by a hardworking single mother and overcame poverty and homelessness; and Tahmina Kohistani, sprinter from Afganistan, by her mere identity as a female runner is seen as a threat in her country overcame pressure and discrimination to compete under her country's flag. These stories remind us to keep going, to not give up. When I hear of what others have accomplished despite their setbacks, I become a well of hope and strength.  I can't help but think if they can do it, so can I.

While I don't have Olympic aspirations, I know that whatever I can dream, I can achieve. We were not given aspirations to have them sit idle, we were also given exactly what we require to achieve exactly what was put in our hearts, no matter what is going on in our lives. How can I have any excuses after these living examples? There are none. Read about the people we just watched living their dreams in front of millions, they did it, so can I... so can you.

Beginning

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. 

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."

- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

We are used to quick fixes in our society, surface band-aids to make us feel better in the short-term. If anything will take a long concerted effort, we tend to dismiss it as too hard and not worth the time and work we will put into it, or even worse- impossible. We automatically associate effort with suffering and choose to keep the ailment after the short-term fixes don't work, and you know they won't.


In the meantime, we yearn to live large. We have dreams and desires that are quietly dismissed. In our heads we hear a stream of criticism: you're not smart, pretty, creative, talented <.......> enough to do that. We tell ourselves we will fail before we even begin in earnest. We distract ourselves with the mundane day to day routines that start to feel like a big old rut.


Desires were planted within us for a reason. You wouldn't have dreams that were impossible for you to achieve. We were given the wonderful gift of these yearnings for the sole purpose of living what's inside of us. You and I have gifts that the world needs for us to share. Don't be afraid of your greatness.


Right now I am taking steps daily, without seeing the whole staircase. I'm not concerning myself with "how" I will live my purpose, I'm only aware of the desire I cannot quench. I cannot help but write, so write I will. I am not obsessing on whether the step I'm taking is perfect, or whether my work is perfect, I'm just doing something.


I believe I will be shown the way, a light on the next stair if you will, at the exact time I need illumination. I am re-reading The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. A friend recommend Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, lo and behold it was already on my bookshelf, I'm reading that as well. I'm writing three pages of long-hand stream of thought every morning. I'm reading good literature, right now Jim Harrison. I'm getting re-acquainted with my creative impulse. I'm opening myself to doing what I love, unattached to the outcome.


What are you called to do, but are holding yourself from? Our dreams are worth 15 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour of our day. Start, with me... step by step.