Love You First

"...all I plead with you is this: make love of yourself perfect."

 

-Sri Nisargadatla

 

There was a time in my life when hurling through the cosmos by a thread hanging from the edge of my pants was the norm. I didn't know up from down, left from right, and I was catapulting toward destruction. I was going through a divorce at the time, pregnant with my fourth child and trying to get back into the workforce while keeping some measure of sanity. I was alone, afraid, unsure of every decision, and expecting the worst. The most valuable piece of advice I received, in the middle of all of this chaos, was to set myself up for success.

As you can guess, I had set myself up for the polar opposite of happiness and fulfillment. I had no career, no emotional support, and no plan. When I did start moving in the direction of self-sufficiency, I felt like I lacked the tools to get where I wanted to go. I needed a lot during this time in my life, and it wasn't about to be handed to me on a pretty, shiny platter. I had to find the confidence and courage to ask for help so I could move through this challenging period toward a brighter future, and find some measure of peace along the way.

The barrier I stumbled smack dab, face pressed into the window of, was my lack of self-love. I had abandoned myself for so many years by thinking I could do it all. I was a stay at home mom to my children and had recently moved to a new area of the country where I had no family nearby. I had started to reach out to find new friends when my world turned upside down. I was used to being all things to all people, giving too much of myself in order to feel accepted and loved. Now it was my turn to accept the love others had to give, and this couldn't happen until I felt love for myself first.

I began by formalizing my commitment with a ring, I married myself! I promised to be there for me through thick or thin, rich or poor, in sickness and health. The mantra of the journey I was undertaking became my new favorite words: "radical self care". When I put myself higher on my priority list, everything else began to fall into place: I was able to set up a babysitting exchange with a good friend, I was offered a vacant second home to stay at when my ex-husband had visitation, I found affordable professionals to assist me in the divorce process, I arranged birth partners for the big day, fledgling friends came to my aid after my baby's birth and beyond. I learned that I didn't have to run myself ragged, I could work smarter, not harder. I could provide the love that I needed. I humbled myself enough to ask for help, and to accept the kind assistance that was offered.

As you can imagine, divorce with four children, work and school were not easy to balance. I not only survived those years, I slowly learned to thrive on my own. Today, I continue to keep self-love in the forefront. I ask myself often: "What do I need in this moment?" "How can this situation be changed to create less stress for me?" "Is there a boundary I need to enforce?" "What can I do to treat myself well?" "What can I take off my plate?". I know that I could not be a loving mother or wife (I'm now blissfully remarried), without the love of myself as foundation.  My self-love has grown to the point that I wouldn't recognize the person I was before. However, life gets busy and sometimes I need to be reminded to slow down and take care of myself along the way. Maybe, lovely reader, this is more for me than for you. Either way: Xoxoxo.