Loss

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." 

 

-Kahlil Gibran

 

I am reminded today how fragile life is. I found out this morning that a friend's husband passed away due to an accident. My heart goes out to my dear friend today for the shock and disbelief she must feel. I have experienced loss of family and when we hear of someone close to us in pain, it can bring all of our own grief flooding back. I wonder if we're ever really done grieving. It's not only the sadness of the death, it is grief over the loss of companionship with the person. We grieve what is no longer ours, we feel the hole left by the loved one that we could never begin to prepare ourselves to face, though it is inevitable.

We are left with memories, well meaning friends tell us to cling to the memories, they will provide peace. In a sense they do, but not in the midst of grief, peace comes later. In the mean-time we go through the motions of living, surprised that the world continues just as it did before. We learn how to continue to love the person that we can no longer see, but hopefully still feel the presence of. Most importantly, we begin to process the loss at a deep level and express our emotions, even though it hurts.

I cannot take my friend's pain away, my heart aches for her because I know something of what she's feeling. I look at my own husband and wonder if he knows how much I love him, I hug my children and question if I was gone, would they have enough of my love to carry them through? Our lives are sweet, precious gifts, to be shared with one another.

A priest told a story once that gives me solace. He was caring for his dying father. One day, as the end drew near, his father beckoned him closer, pointed to the other side of the room and whispered, "Do you seem them? All of my friends!". I have faith that we are never far from those we love, even after they pass on. Reminders like this help me to see the simple truth of what really matters, the people in my life and the love I give and receive. 

California

"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along."

 

- Rae Smith

 

The Open Road by Trey Ratcliff

During the times in which I fell apart, I created a vision of what my life would look like once I pulled myself back together. When I was sick as a teenager, my vision was simply a healthy me and a brighter and better future. I didn't know what choices awaited as I grew into a woman. I was full of expectation, hope, and even impatience. I wanted to get out and experience my life restored.

Fast forward to another broken time, my divorce. More jaded, I was becoming afraid of life, and all the choices confronting me. After I adjusted to the loss and settled into my new reality as a single mother, I was faced with the truth of my contribution to the deterioration of my marriage. I was able to admit that there were ways in which I sabotaged its success. After all, we teach people how to treat us. I was brutally honest about the things I wanted to change about me, I knew this was an opportunity for me to grow, if I took it. A vision of my dream life slowly started to emerge.

Rather than feeling stuck throughout the long and painful experience of divorce, I chose to set my sights on the life I was slowly creating. Dreams don't come to pass when we necessarily want them to, they are reached in small increments, mile by mile. My dream life was my "California". I vividly created with images and words a picture of my future that included the fulfillment of my deepest dreams.

I was on my way, hands on the wheel, foot on the pedal, kids in the back seat, driving to California. Knowing I was on a journey to a grand destination, my days didn't seem so dreary. The long hours studying and staying up with an infant didn't seem all for naught. The battle over minute details during my divorce seemed unimportant. I had purpose, determination and willpower. Delayed gratification took on a new meaning to me, I had no clue when I would arrive in California, I only knew I would get there if I kept driving.

I am now living in my proverbial California imagined during my divorce, and enjoying each blessing that enhances my life, and there are many. I've learned that as I keep adding to my dream list, I will always be on the journey, the destination keeps growing more and more beautiful. What are you creating for your future? Where do you want to be 5 years from now? What are you doing now to get you there? Do you have a vision? If not, create one- write down every detail, attach pictures to a poster board, bulletin board or journal.

We are constantly falling apart in little or big ways, giving us the chance to start anew with every sunrise. I want to help you see the magnificent possibilities within the falling apart, then it won't feel so painful. Re-visit your vision often, are you getting closer? You will if you imagine... and continue driving.

Healthy is Beautiful

Smile because you are beautiful.

 

 

There was a time in my life when I felt my beauty, internal and external, had been taken away from me. My illness, lupus, created a rift between who I thought I was (healthy, vibrant, free) versus the reality of my situation (I was sick, tired and scared). I mourned my former self, I yearned for her to return so I could feel whole and pretty again. At age fourteen, I was broken by my diagnosis, I knew life would never be the same. I gained weight from high dose prednisone and lost my hair from chemotherapy, I was devastated. I turned inward during my high school years, feeling robbed, hoping one day I would have my self back.

 

I eventually learned to accept lupus as a part of me, I had to make peace with the disease that I wanted to fight against with everything I had. I knew I was only fighting against myself, after all it was my own immune system creating the havoc, I was only creating more stress (and illness) as I resisted. Only by learning to live with my new identity was I was ready to move beyond lupus patient to lupus survivor.

 

As the years passed, I was less and less concerned about my physical appearance, which at the time was beyond my control. I became more concerned with my overall health, I became a vegetarian and started practicing martial arts, yoga and meditation. Eventually I did get better, my hair grew back into a pixie style by my high school graduation, I lost weight as my prednisone decreased until I was in complete remission. My physical looks returned to what I had known pre-illness, while I felt more like myself on the outside, I was forever changed because of my experience.

 

Today, when women complain about their looks to me or compare themselves to someone they think is more attractive, I have a difficult time responding. I've been enjoying remission for close to twenty years and no one could guess that I have a chronic illness. I am healthy by all accounts, and I take my health seriously. I'm of the "prevention is hot" camp and do all that I can to take care of myself.  

 

Women who think they should look one way or another forget their innate beauty and how blessed they are to have their health. Foster gorgeousness from the inside out by practicing self love, we love ourselves when we eat healthfully, exercise and decrease stress. Our outsides are a reflection of our internal health- make health your goal, instead of conforming to society's narrow definition of what is attractive. Remember that your health is a gift, have gratitude for your amazing body. You are alive, you are healthy, you are beautiful. 

 

 

My inspiration for this post: Kris Carr , beautiful cancer survivor, watch her documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer and read her Crazy Sexy Diet book (not about dieting to lose weight, but to achieve greater health).

For Lynda

"The things that happen to us do not determine who we are;

they reveal who we are."

 -Amy Bloom

 

 

Inner strength- do you have it or do you know someone that does, have you had to use yours much? We’re all a lot stronger than we think. Just like the iconic story of the mother that physically lifted a car to rescue her child from danger, we have superpower strength. This is why I’m uncomfortable when people tell me I’m strong. Well, yes I know that, but so are you, you just may not have had the opportunity to use it to the same extent.

We all have faced some sort of challenge in our past, maybe you’re in the midst of one now. Maybe you don’t feel very strong. While I think it’s important to not let our struggles define us (we are more than our struggles!), it’s also important to share how we got through because there is someone else that needs to hear it. This is why I blog.

Today I am saddened by news of a relative being diagnosed with cancer; I want to send her a dose of inner strength as she reels from the news. I know the act of surviving breeds strength, always. Sometimes we just have to take a deep breath and brace ourselves for what's ahead. I want her, and you, to know that you have the strength you need, within you, for anything you may face. Look to others to remind you of your strength, rely on them: those that have been there (authors, bloggers), friends, family, and especially God. Know that the pain is temporary, you can do this.

Maybe you need a reminder today of just how strong you are. You may not be facing a large struggle, but I bet there are plenty of small ones that pop up day to day. I believe we should stop measuring diffiulties, we are all in the same boat and what's small for one person is large for another, it's a mere matter of perspective.

Large, small, cancer, or a baby that refuses to sleep at night... you're not alone. You're about to reveal something wonderful you maybe never knew you contained- beautiful, graceful strength.

Love You First

"...all I plead with you is this: make love of yourself perfect."

 

-Sri Nisargadatla

 

There was a time in my life when hurling through the cosmos by a thread hanging from the edge of my pants was the norm. I didn't know up from down, left from right, and I was catapulting toward destruction. I was going through a divorce at the time, pregnant with my fourth child and trying to get back into the workforce while keeping some measure of sanity. I was alone, afraid, unsure of every decision, and expecting the worst. The most valuable piece of advice I received, in the middle of all of this chaos, was to set myself up for success.

As you can guess, I had set myself up for the polar opposite of happiness and fulfillment. I had no career, no emotional support, and no plan. When I did start moving in the direction of self-sufficiency, I felt like I lacked the tools to get where I wanted to go. I needed a lot during this time in my life, and it wasn't about to be handed to me on a pretty, shiny platter. I had to find the confidence and courage to ask for help so I could move through this challenging period toward a brighter future, and find some measure of peace along the way.

The barrier I stumbled smack dab, face pressed into the window of, was my lack of self-love. I had abandoned myself for so many years by thinking I could do it all. I was a stay at home mom to my children and had recently moved to a new area of the country where I had no family nearby. I had started to reach out to find new friends when my world turned upside down. I was used to being all things to all people, giving too much of myself in order to feel accepted and loved. Now it was my turn to accept the love others had to give, and this couldn't happen until I felt love for myself first.

I began by formalizing my commitment with a ring, I married myself! I promised to be there for me through thick or thin, rich or poor, in sickness and health. The mantra of the journey I was undertaking became my new favorite words: "radical self care". When I put myself higher on my priority list, everything else began to fall into place: I was able to set up a babysitting exchange with a good friend, I was offered a vacant second home to stay at when my ex-husband had visitation, I found affordable professionals to assist me in the divorce process, I arranged birth partners for the big day, fledgling friends came to my aid after my baby's birth and beyond. I learned that I didn't have to run myself ragged, I could work smarter, not harder. I could provide the love that I needed. I humbled myself enough to ask for help, and to accept the kind assistance that was offered.

As you can imagine, divorce with four children, work and school were not easy to balance. I not only survived those years, I slowly learned to thrive on my own. Today, I continue to keep self-love in the forefront. I ask myself often: "What do I need in this moment?" "How can this situation be changed to create less stress for me?" "Is there a boundary I need to enforce?" "What can I do to treat myself well?" "What can I take off my plate?". I know that I could not be a loving mother or wife (I'm now blissfully remarried), without the love of myself as foundation.  My self-love has grown to the point that I wouldn't recognize the person I was before. However, life gets busy and sometimes I need to be reminded to slow down and take care of myself along the way. Maybe, lovely reader, this is more for me than for you. Either way: Xoxoxo.

I Dare You

 

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself."

 

-Sore Kierkegaard

 

I am not in a regular habit of reading my horoscope, yesterday I happened to glance at it in the Sunday paper. The part that caught my eye: "First, learn the rules that apply, and then go for it with full force." While I don't hang my life on the advice of my horoscope, I do believe wisdom comes to us through all variety of means. If you read or hear something and say "aha!" then it's good stuff, don't ignore it.

Often we can be held back from achieving our dreams because we think we don't have the knowledge to complete the task. We feel stuck and immobilized by uncertainty. Dreams are by nature BIG, the steps to get there can seem daunting. I believe we are only capable of taking one step at a time and the nature of the next step will be revealed when we are ready to act on it.  An important step on my journey is to learn the rules that apply. This involves learning from those that have gone before me, published authors. I am gathering bits and pieces from others' experiences that will prove invaluable to forming my next step, which is right on the heels of this one. I know my trajectory may not be a straight and perfect line, but I am making progress.

What are the rules that apply to your dreams? What can you learn from someone that has done something similar? What is keeping you from your next step?

Think of a runner warming up for a long run, the first steps help gather momentum, they may seem slow at first, but they pick up and eventually feel more effortless. A body in motion stays in motion. We are all poised on greatness, all we have to do is gather some momentum to go at it full force. Everything you need to get started on your dream is waiting at your fingertips, you know what you need to do. Getting unstuck is not a mystery any longer when we're ready to dare to move, keep moving, and keep moving.

Practice

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake.

-Yael Naim from her song "New Soul"

You've heard the adage "practice makes perfect". I think it should be changed to practice reminds us of our imperfection, hallelujah! In striving for perfection, we can easily keep ourselves from practicing our divine talent, we can feel constricted into inaction. When we're afraid that what we write, produce, choreograph, invent, paint, etc. will not live up to certain expectations, we've squashed our creative spirit before we've even begun. We spend more time editing and perfecting what we just started rather than submitting to the creative flow calling us forward. When we have a dreamy image of our work being immediately admired, applauded and fully understood (standing ovation included), we've missed the point. We are paralyzed by confusion, not knowing how we'll ever pull together our book, watercolor, photo montage, or prototype, thereby interfering with the flow of creation. We try to plot out our project, step by step. The big picture should elude you, the blank spots leave room for beauty to enter. Somehow we are shown the next step, if it's meant to happen.

 

To me, creativity can seem daunting. I have a negative ninny in my head shooting down every idea I have for my writing. Ninny likes to remind me that the only credentials I have are life itself, about the statistics of a writer's getting published, that I'm not always one to finish projects. I've recently told her to shove off, and I'm sitting down and writing anyway. I'm ready to make mistakes, I'm ready to get into the practice. It comes down to the fact that I know I'm a writer, and I cannot wear the label unless I ....(drum roll please)... write.

 

I'm owning my perfectionism problem, which when it comes down to it is just fear in disguise. Fear of criticism, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of success. I'm getting in the habit of staring it down daily. I realize that there will be shitty first drafts (thanks Ann Lamott for explaining this), plenty of distractions- many of which I admittedly create, and some pain as I commit myself to a sit-my-butt-down-and-write schedule.

 

I'm being gentle with myself knowing that I'm practicing being imperfect, gloriously imperfect. This is a new for me. I may be pretty bad at my attempts to create a plot, write an interesting magazine article or explain my life experiences in a way that may inspire others. It doesn't make it any less worthwhile. This is the process of creativity, it's the only way anything ever gets done, bit by bit, with practice, and many mistakes along the way. Perhaps we should seek out more chances to make mistakes. It's in the mistakes that we truly learn, and by learning we get better. Not perfect, but better.





You Have a Lot

Sometimes I feel like gratitude is overdone.We are told over and over, to the point of admonishment, to be grateful. I like the idea of "attitude of gratitude", but what does it really mean? For me, being thankful means realizing what I have without having to experience it's loss. One way to truly find out what you have to be grateful for is to lose it, the cliche "you never know what you have until it's gone". I was lucky to have learned gratitude at an early age. I lost my health, my looks, and my hair to Lupus when I was a teenager. I was put on high dose prednisone and underwent chemotherapy to try to stop the disease's progression. When my girlfriends were giddy over prom, I was in the hospital wondering if I'd make it to graduation. I never knew how much my health meant to me until it was threatened in a big way; I never felt as much joy as when I regained it and was told I had gone into remission years later. I eventually got my self back, hair and all, and a new found sense of gratitude for life and everything it brings.

Gratitude helps us not take the inevitable downs of life so seriously. Most of it is just small beans, right? So, your car breaks down, your furnace needs replacing, or your child is flunking math. Do what you can to fix the problem and move on, grateful that you have a car, a furnace, and a beautiful child... grateful that your problems pale in comparison to some.

Having gratitude for life has given me the opportunity to find happiness even in difficult times. During my divorce I started a gratitude journal, listing five things every day I was thankful for, to keep my focus on the positive. Some days I was most thankful for a warm bed to fall into. I kept my health throughout this stressful time, which I attribute to my inner peace by way of gratitude. I knew I would make it through, and focused on what needed to be done that day to bring me closer to the life I imagined.

These days not much rattles me, when my life starts to feel upside down I stop and remember how blessed I truly am. I take care of the people I love by being the best me possible, knowing that my time with them is limited. Maybe it was gratitude that started me on a path to personal growth. Gratitude helps me make the best of my life, let it make the best of yours.