I Dare You

 

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself."

 

-Sore Kierkegaard

 

I am not in a regular habit of reading my horoscope, yesterday I happened to glance at it in the Sunday paper. The part that caught my eye: "First, learn the rules that apply, and then go for it with full force." While I don't hang my life on the advice of my horoscope, I do believe wisdom comes to us through all variety of means. If you read or hear something and say "aha!" then it's good stuff, don't ignore it.

Often we can be held back from achieving our dreams because we think we don't have the knowledge to complete the task. We feel stuck and immobilized by uncertainty. Dreams are by nature BIG, the steps to get there can seem daunting. I believe we are only capable of taking one step at a time and the nature of the next step will be revealed when we are ready to act on it.  An important step on my journey is to learn the rules that apply. This involves learning from those that have gone before me, published authors. I am gathering bits and pieces from others' experiences that will prove invaluable to forming my next step, which is right on the heels of this one. I know my trajectory may not be a straight and perfect line, but I am making progress.

What are the rules that apply to your dreams? What can you learn from someone that has done something similar? What is keeping you from your next step?

Think of a runner warming up for a long run, the first steps help gather momentum, they may seem slow at first, but they pick up and eventually feel more effortless. A body in motion stays in motion. We are all poised on greatness, all we have to do is gather some momentum to go at it full force. Everything you need to get started on your dream is waiting at your fingertips, you know what you need to do. Getting unstuck is not a mystery any longer when we're ready to dare to move, keep moving, and keep moving.

Practice

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake.

-Yael Naim from her song "New Soul"

You've heard the adage "practice makes perfect". I think it should be changed to practice reminds us of our imperfection, hallelujah! In striving for perfection, we can easily keep ourselves from practicing our divine talent, we can feel constricted into inaction. When we're afraid that what we write, produce, choreograph, invent, paint, etc. will not live up to certain expectations, we've squashed our creative spirit before we've even begun. We spend more time editing and perfecting what we just started rather than submitting to the creative flow calling us forward. When we have a dreamy image of our work being immediately admired, applauded and fully understood (standing ovation included), we've missed the point. We are paralyzed by confusion, not knowing how we'll ever pull together our book, watercolor, photo montage, or prototype, thereby interfering with the flow of creation. We try to plot out our project, step by step. The big picture should elude you, the blank spots leave room for beauty to enter. Somehow we are shown the next step, if it's meant to happen.

 

To me, creativity can seem daunting. I have a negative ninny in my head shooting down every idea I have for my writing. Ninny likes to remind me that the only credentials I have are life itself, about the statistics of a writer's getting published, that I'm not always one to finish projects. I've recently told her to shove off, and I'm sitting down and writing anyway. I'm ready to make mistakes, I'm ready to get into the practice. It comes down to the fact that I know I'm a writer, and I cannot wear the label unless I ....(drum roll please)... write.

 

I'm owning my perfectionism problem, which when it comes down to it is just fear in disguise. Fear of criticism, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of success. I'm getting in the habit of staring it down daily. I realize that there will be shitty first drafts (thanks Ann Lamott for explaining this), plenty of distractions- many of which I admittedly create, and some pain as I commit myself to a sit-my-butt-down-and-write schedule.

 

I'm being gentle with myself knowing that I'm practicing being imperfect, gloriously imperfect. This is a new for me. I may be pretty bad at my attempts to create a plot, write an interesting magazine article or explain my life experiences in a way that may inspire others. It doesn't make it any less worthwhile. This is the process of creativity, it's the only way anything ever gets done, bit by bit, with practice, and many mistakes along the way. Perhaps we should seek out more chances to make mistakes. It's in the mistakes that we truly learn, and by learning we get better. Not perfect, but better.





You Have a Lot

Sometimes I feel like gratitude is overdone.We are told over and over, to the point of admonishment, to be grateful. I like the idea of "attitude of gratitude", but what does it really mean? For me, being thankful means realizing what I have without having to experience it's loss. One way to truly find out what you have to be grateful for is to lose it, the cliche "you never know what you have until it's gone". I was lucky to have learned gratitude at an early age. I lost my health, my looks, and my hair to Lupus when I was a teenager. I was put on high dose prednisone and underwent chemotherapy to try to stop the disease's progression. When my girlfriends were giddy over prom, I was in the hospital wondering if I'd make it to graduation. I never knew how much my health meant to me until it was threatened in a big way; I never felt as much joy as when I regained it and was told I had gone into remission years later. I eventually got my self back, hair and all, and a new found sense of gratitude for life and everything it brings.

Gratitude helps us not take the inevitable downs of life so seriously. Most of it is just small beans, right? So, your car breaks down, your furnace needs replacing, or your child is flunking math. Do what you can to fix the problem and move on, grateful that you have a car, a furnace, and a beautiful child... grateful that your problems pale in comparison to some.

Having gratitude for life has given me the opportunity to find happiness even in difficult times. During my divorce I started a gratitude journal, listing five things every day I was thankful for, to keep my focus on the positive. Some days I was most thankful for a warm bed to fall into. I kept my health throughout this stressful time, which I attribute to my inner peace by way of gratitude. I knew I would make it through, and focused on what needed to be done that day to bring me closer to the life I imagined.

These days not much rattles me, when my life starts to feel upside down I stop and remember how blessed I truly am. I take care of the people I love by being the best me possible, knowing that my time with them is limited. Maybe it was gratitude that started me on a path to personal growth. Gratitude helps me make the best of my life, let it make the best of yours.

Suitcases

Emotional baggage, let's start with a basic fact: everyone has it. So, if you have a little (or a lot) stuffed away, you're not alone. What is baggage, where does it come from, where do we store it, and how do we unpack? I'm not an expert, but I have experience with my own baggage. My own stuff comes from unresolved feelings (hurt, anger, resentment, guilt), that were not expressed at their inception, so they hang around and wreak havoc from time to time. Many of us are good at burying the baggage deep inside our suitcase, so we sometimes forget it's there until it comes exploding out in a messy pile. The original junk is unrecognizable, so it can take some time and energy, and more emotions, to begin to sort through and unpack. The "suitcase" is our bodies, we store the baggage in our tight shoulders, jaw, chest, stomach, most likely you know this already. What damage does it cause? Just imagine yourself carrying a heavy physical load, it can slow you down, keep you from feeling light and free. A suitcase of junk cautions you from further risk adding to it, thus keeping you from new people, new experiences, new challenges, new heights. The suitcase keeps us safely tied to the ground, stagnantly still, it keeps us from growing. I believe that if not addressed, baggage can also cause disease.

So, why don't we just "let go of the baggage", you ask? If it were that easy my dear, we'd all be free. It takes deliberate unpacking, piece by meticulous piece, with help. I've learned that I can intellectually know something (my issue is......, the solution is to.......) but until I have support, understanding, and the opportunity to learn from others' similar struggles, I will not grow. A flower needs the soil, sun, water, nutrients... who are we to think we can be independent with our own growth? Not possible. I've also learned that love from friends and family (not just my spouse) are essential.

So, let me be a loving friend helping you to unpack. I know I need to dig in my suitcase when I have an emotional reaction that taps into the old stuff I've tried to hide away. The reaction is larger than the situation would warrant. I call someone, talk it through and start to identify those deeper feelings that went unexpressed, talking and writing help me to detail the origin of the baggage. If there is unresolved business with someone, take some time to consider a response to the situation: a letter, a conversation (as difficult as it may be), or an apology may be in order, action may be required. I accept and express the feelings that come up during this process, as messy as they feel, finally- release! This may take going over the same load more than once, usually the sock has a cousin stuffed in there. Come back to the suitcase often, dust is growth's worst enemy. Unpacking also takes a lot of self-love. Give yourself credit for the work you are undertaking and practice good self care.

To keep myself from packing more into the suitcase now, I am direct with people. If I have been hurt by something someone did or didn't do, I address it as soon as possible, with love. If I have wronged another, I make amends as soon as I recognize it. When we stuff, we suffer. This also helps to develop emotional intimacy, no more guessing what the other person is feeling, let's show it!

Trust me, your baggage will not suddenly disappear one magical day. By not peeking under the lid from time to time, we keep ourselves from the best life has to offer, and we keep ourselves from our true purpose. So, go ahead, lighten up! You've got nothing to lose, but the junk!

Life is Short, Make a List

"Listen, are you breathing just a little,

     and calling it a life?...

For how long will you continue to listen 

     to those dark shouters,

     caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!"

-Mary Oliver

 

I am inspired by a story featured in the Chicago Tribune recently, "The Unfolding Legacy of Andrew Kuebrich". The article tells the story of Andrew, a 24 year old killed while cycling in Taiwan. He was living out his "bucket list", which his parents found in a journal among his possessions after his passing. While I am completely saddened by the tragedy of this story and my heart reaches out to Andrew's family, I have a sense of awe and admiration for Andrew. He wrote in his journal, "This is not a wish-I-would-have-done-it list. This is a I-did-it-and-it-was-amazing list. I feel like most people wander aimlessly through life like a zombie and never break through and experience it." (Chicago Tribune) As time passed, Andrew's parents began posting items from his To Do list on Facebook, friends and family members began posting back photographs of themselves living out the goals he had recorded, while holding a photo of Andrew.

This story inspired me to create my own list, I'm up to eleven things I plan to do in this lifetime, and counting. Andrew has given me the example to take action to complete the items my list, and not let my dreams stay dreams. Andrew showed that one person can make a difference in this world by embodying a wonderful combination of being of service to others and living out loud. I choose to engage with life today, to wake up and live out my passions with focus and determination, to come up with tangible ways I can make a difference to others. I make a conscious decision to leave fear and excuses behind. I choose to take the limits off my dreams and take steps to checking off the next item on my To Do list.

I never knew Andrew, nor will I have a chance to. I may never meet his parents or brothers. I do know that they can check off #76 from his list, "Make a difference in one stranger's life". By writing down what we plan to do during our lifetime and then setting about to do it, we ignite the amazing light within us, live a life of great passion, and in turn inspire others to do the same. Andrew has done this for me, and for that I thank him (and his parents for having the courage to share his story).

Overcome

"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming it."

- Hellen Keller

This year's summer Olympics were particularly inspiring to me and I'm not ready to let them go. I heard story after story of personal triumph over adversity and witnessed amazing courage and strength in competition. Maybe it was a deliberate focus of the media this time around, or maybe we as a society are at a point where we care to know what a person has overcome to get to such a pinnacle in their lives. To remember that each Olympian is human, like you or me, and has had to cope with sometimes extreme difficulty to achieve their dreams reminds me of our innate resilience. 

Though there were broadcast biographies that exemplified the amazing strength of the human spirit, I know that each person that competed at the games has their own personal story of overcoming. Stories like: Oscar Pistorius (pictured) nicknamed "Blade Runner", who claims he never thought of himself as having a disability after having both legs amputated at age 11 months, he just thought he had different shoes; Bryshon Nellum, the sprinter from USC who was shot in both legs and had to undergo surgeries and rehabilitation to be able to walk again, let alone run; Kellie Wells, a hurdler who overcame abuse as a teenager and loss of her mother and is just recently speaking about what she endured; to Lolo Jones, sprinter, who was raised by a hardworking single mother and overcame poverty and homelessness; and Tahmina Kohistani, sprinter from Afganistan, by her mere identity as a female runner is seen as a threat in her country overcame pressure and discrimination to compete under her country's flag. These stories remind us to keep going, to not give up. When I hear of what others have accomplished despite their setbacks, I become a well of hope and strength.  I can't help but think if they can do it, so can I.

While I don't have Olympic aspirations, I know that whatever I can dream, I can achieve. We were not given aspirations to have them sit idle, we were also given exactly what we require to achieve exactly what was put in our hearts, no matter what is going on in our lives. How can I have any excuses after these living examples? There are none. Read about the people we just watched living their dreams in front of millions, they did it, so can I... so can you.

Beginning

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. 

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."

- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

We are used to quick fixes in our society, surface band-aids to make us feel better in the short-term. If anything will take a long concerted effort, we tend to dismiss it as too hard and not worth the time and work we will put into it, or even worse- impossible. We automatically associate effort with suffering and choose to keep the ailment after the short-term fixes don't work, and you know they won't.


In the meantime, we yearn to live large. We have dreams and desires that are quietly dismissed. In our heads we hear a stream of criticism: you're not smart, pretty, creative, talented <.......> enough to do that. We tell ourselves we will fail before we even begin in earnest. We distract ourselves with the mundane day to day routines that start to feel like a big old rut.


Desires were planted within us for a reason. You wouldn't have dreams that were impossible for you to achieve. We were given the wonderful gift of these yearnings for the sole purpose of living what's inside of us. You and I have gifts that the world needs for us to share. Don't be afraid of your greatness.


Right now I am taking steps daily, without seeing the whole staircase. I'm not concerning myself with "how" I will live my purpose, I'm only aware of the desire I cannot quench. I cannot help but write, so write I will. I am not obsessing on whether the step I'm taking is perfect, or whether my work is perfect, I'm just doing something.


I believe I will be shown the way, a light on the next stair if you will, at the exact time I need illumination. I am re-reading The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. A friend recommend Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, lo and behold it was already on my bookshelf, I'm reading that as well. I'm writing three pages of long-hand stream of thought every morning. I'm reading good literature, right now Jim Harrison. I'm getting re-acquainted with my creative impulse. I'm opening myself to doing what I love, unattached to the outcome.


What are you called to do, but are holding yourself from? Our dreams are worth 15 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour of our day. Start, with me... step by step.